I read somewhere that airports are story-making factories: people waiting to watch their loved ones walk further and further away from them until they can no longer be seen. Today is my turn … “You have a suitcase filled with dreams, on your way to another continent, and I have my memories of bidding you farewell, not knowing when I will see you again. I wanted to paste a red-and-white ‘Fragile: Handle with Care’ sticker over my heart, like a band-aid to ease the pain,” I thought.

Through all the changes human beings must face throughout their lives, few are as wide and complex as those that take place during the emigration of loved ones. Emigration signifies a life-changing experience; this is true not only for the emigrant but also for those remaining behind. Emigration is not only defined by grief and loss; neither is it only about opportunity and adventure. Vital in telling parents’ emigration stories after their children move abroad are airports. An airport is a space that features frequently as a definitive link in the chain of emigration events. Is there a more transitional space than an airport? It is a space made up of “in-between-ness” and “in-limbo-ness”. There is no other public place where so many emotions are unveiled.

Yet the design of most airport experiences does not seem to acknowledge these precious moments of meeting and parting with loved ones. To capture the essence of the South African emigration story, in our thesis “A Licence to Leave South Africa: A Qualitative Study of South African Parents’ Narratives of Their Children’s Reasons for Emigration”, three stages were identified as part of the parent’s journey of letting go of their children after emigration. Each stage is unique in its characteristics and demands attention from each family member.

The first stage, pre-emigration, addresses the decision-making process, reasons for emigration, and whether the emigration is temporary or permanent. It includes the culmination of the physical act of leaving and the varying time frames for each scenario. Logistical preparations are a key characteristic of this phase, and all family members are psychologically preparing themselves for their respective journeys. For the children, the airport signifies a gateway to new possibilities. For the parent remaining behind, the airport signifies a gateway to significant changes in their lives.

The second stage signifies the physical act of emigration. This is a very short yet powerful stage. It marks the completion of the period of preparation leading up to the final event: the airport goodbye. The preparation for this turning point took place weeks or even months before, but leaving the country is the first tangible experience of loss for the parents left behind. A participant in our study responded:

“… My daughter, oh, the worst, worst, worst was for me when my eldest daughter said to me: ‘Mom, I don’t want you to come along to the airport.’ And, you know, I cried the entire day at work, but afterwards I realised that it was for the best.”

For those who remain behind when their children emigrate, the airport personifies loss — a space filled with sorrow, fear, loneliness, heartbreak, and tender moments. Many of us tend to avoid talking about “the goodbye” and pretend that it’s not happening until the final moment. Goodbyes are hard. We do not want to say goodbye to the people we love. While denial might be a coping mechanism for some, it can intensify the farewell. Discussing the farewell with your children ahead of time can ease some of the emotional turmoil and better prepare you for that singular moment. Some families prefer to say their goodbyes at home or somewhere else, but the airport remains central in the process of letting go.

Mourning occurs for those who go, those who are left behind, and those who return. The ambiguity of the situation makes it difficult to come to terms with the loss. With little or no prescribed mourning rituals, the ones left behind often create private rituals to help them cope with this painful ending of an important life stage. Giving a small personal gift, like a good-luck charm, can mark the start of such rituals. The airport is full of people, but at that moment no one feels as lonely as the parent who has just said goodbye to their children and grandchildren, not knowing when they will see each other again. While people rush around, you stand there with tears rolling down your face. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and the raw emotions of the farewell. Be gentle with yourself.

The best thing to do after a goodbye is to start making plans to be together again. It does not have to happen immediately. Plan your next visit before your children leave. Planning ahead may not be possible for everyone, but having a rough timeline to hold onto can be a powerful coping mechanism. Knowing that the separation is not final gives something to look forward to. Instead of saying goodbye, you can say “see you soon” and begin planning the next visit. After all, the sadness of an airport goodbye is nothing compared to an airport hello.

In the last phase, the post-emigration phase, families recognise an ending in their physical journey together. This is the longest stage and deals with the time after the children have left the country. The geographical distance has a life-altering effect on relationships. The airport features again as the physical gateway to their emigrant children. Parents explained they expected the first goodbye to be the most difficult, yet it became harder each time. A participant responded:

“… But no, it doesn’t get easier. It’s still that something in you that has been cut off, which … only comes back to you when he’s back. No, it doesn’t become easier. Yes, there is a little hole, and the little hole does not heal. I can’t claim that the hole gets bigger, uhm … but the little hole does not grow over. The little hole remains there.”

After every airport goodbye, another ambiguous loss is felt. With each visit, parents dread the day their children must return. Each day spent together feels like a day closer to departure. By being mindful, living in the moment, and not constantly thinking about the airport goodbye, families learn that time is a precious commodity.

Communication is vital to transnational families. Modern communication technologies have created a global village in which families can stay connected. The introduction of social technologies has increased the frequency of contact and given distant family members a means to maintain relationships. It is important to establish a communication plan with your loved ones to preserve attachment bonds.

As parents, we never fully want to let go of our children. Yet with emigration, we must let go physically — we are geographically far apart and often separated by multiple time zones. This life transition is a loss, with endings and beginnings intertwined. Airports teach us that in the art of letting go, we are able to hold on.

Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote:

“We need in love to practice only this: letting each other go.

For holding on comes easily — we do not need to learn it.”

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